Thing gets broke
Kaylee said it best in Firefly. “Sometimes a thing gets broke can’t be fixed.”
That’s where I am right now with my eldest son. Tuesday I get to take him down to see how broke he is. The people at the clinic will do testing and questions and evaluations to find out why he does what he does. Everyone around me says there is a hope it’s something that can be fixed through treatment or medication or therapy. But the problem is that it’s only a hope. And I don’t have any left.
Years ago he was given a diagnosis of Asperger’s syndrome. A condition that falls under the Autism umbrella. It was hard but having grown up with a slightly MR brother and a non-diagnosed Asppy father I felt I could handle it. After all everyone said that with therapy and TSS and BSC and what all there was a hope he’d be able to have a real life. There it is again. A hope.
So here we are 8 years later and nothing has changed. Except he’s bigger, starting to hit puberty and angrier. The behaviors and non compliance are still there. He refuses to do what he needs to and focuses only on himself. No cause and effect relationships even though we’ve worked on it for years. So lately the term Attachment disorder has been tossed around. In short. Can’t be fixed. There goes hope.
I always felt I could be a good father. I could over come the set backs in my life because I persist. I don’t stop trying even though I know most of the time I will fail. I fight with ADD, lack of education and poor self confidence every day and most days manage to move on to the next day. I do this because even though I know I might fail, and in some cases expect it, if I keep trying it will happen. If it’s broke I can fix it or at least keep it together long enough.
But not now.
Maybe not ever.
Jeff said,
January 4, 2010 at 3:11 pm
No amount of modern psycho-babble can make a parent feel good/better in regards to how they feels as a Dad in this situation.
But as I read your post, something yelled out in me for you; “There is always hope!” Perhaps not for what or to what point you would prefer.
There’s no doubt about it though, despite any of your short-comings and faults, you’re the best Dad your son can have! Just seize ownership of that point and relish it. Many Dad’s don’t come to this realization and thusly don’t lives like they are the best Dad their children can have and they are doomed to a life of self-pity, fatalism and doom.
From one Dad to Another, I sincerely hope your confidence is bolstered and the right solution for your son, you and your family is found!
Jeff
http://www.mybowsandarrows.wordpress.com